My Post Is Missing

Did that get your attention?

The post is not missing, obviously, you’re reading it after all.  What’s missing is my motivation… any of it. ALL of it. I am in a slump.

Is that a good word for it; for where I am – for what I am?

Eighteen percent of people in the US and fifteen percent of people worldwide suffer from some kind of mental health disorder. Four per cent of people worldwide suffer depressive disorders, and the same percentage of people from anxiety disorders, including Post Traumatic Stress, and yet mental health and the data collected concerning it all is ill defined, and poorly understood.*

I have been fighting depression on and off for around thirty years, and over the last few have manifested anxiety issues too, and you know…  it’s pure hell, not just for me, but for the people in my life, and that’s the thing I hate about it – hate about myself – the most.

Some things came to a head yesterday, and so today I find myself deep in the struggle with myself; deep in the need to make things better, to be better, to remind myself… remind myself that I am not as worthless as I feel myself to be, and that there is a way forward.

Feeling like this, so demotivated, there’s also the little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m only going to fall behind with my goals and that will make me feel worse, which will trigger all the things I do that hurt, myself and others emotionally, which strengthens my depression – a wonderfully vicious circle.

I want to break this cycle, I do.  I want to find the person that I know I am, the loving, compassionate, creative, supportive, worthwhile person that I am – have always been – but who has become lost to me in the cage of this disease.

I want to say I make no apologies if this post, and my confession, make you feel uncomfortable, but… though I shouldn’t have to apologize, because of where I am, I do. Seriously though, mental health issues should not be something for which we apologize and there should be greater understanding, tolerance and support, and less of a stigma attached to those of us who suffer.

*Source of information: Our World In Data 

About Eirian Houpe

Writer and Teacher. Published works: Eternal Dance (as Linden S Barclay) and articles for Wigston Magna Dog Training Club, and SFX Magazine.
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